I wanted to jump off the buildings, overdose on drugs and run out onto the highway— Anu Verma
You can only image the circumstances that would lead to the chilling words that make up the title of this article… but where is she now?
My name is Crystal Emmanuel and I welcome you to my Authors of Colour series. Thank you for joining me.
All authors have their reasons to write. Their motivation to pick up a pen. Their urge to turn on their laptop and type for hours on end. The impulse pushing them to record audio and pour everything out. This can be born out of anything from their creative passion, to them having a strong need and desire to release or just an intuitive nudge from within, pushing them to share what they think with the world.
For the Authors of Colour Series 2020 I will be interviewing a series of Authors from various backgrounds and cultures, specifically seeking to find out about the experiences, trials and in some cases traumas which led them to pen. All interviews were conducted via my platform She Inspired Her
I kick start the series with this interview with UK Asian Author Anu Verma, the woman behind the book Victim to Victor available now on Amazon. Please do click on the clapping hands icon if you appreciate this read.
‘Victim 2 Victor’ is an intense, eye opening, inspirational, honest and at times painful real life story of abuse. Rooted in the vital importance of identity, sexuality, and self worth, Author, Reiki Master and Emotional Freedom Therapist Anu Verma uses the publication as a channel to share her own healing techniques.
Anu’s retelling of her childhood and of her journey through healing, acts as an open invitation for others to share their own stories, talk about life, and ultimately banish the stigma of abuse and trauma.
Hi Anu, thank you for joining us today here at She Inspired Her it is a true pleasure to have you! I believe that your story, which takes many turns and has many layers to it, will be both inspirational and motivational to our readers and I thank you for taking time out today to share your story.
So let’s start at the beginning, can you tell us a little about the younger version of yourself? Where did you grow up and how would you describe your experience of childhood?
Hi Crystal, it is such a pleasure to be in your presence and to be invited to interview with you. Yes, so a little about me, I was born in Coventry which is Central UK so I am British and of Indian-Asian heritage. I was born in the 80’s and I suffered from sexual abuse from the age of 3 which went on throughout my childhood and adult years.
Growing up in an Indian household within the Asian community, how easy was it to express your concerns, air your traumas and communicate your feelings? Did you manage to develop any particular ways to hide your feelings or to express them?
I was suppressed as an Asian girl growing up in the UK and so I was not able to open up about my abuse. I never spoke about what had happened to me as I felt shame and also because sexual abuse was a taboo subject which led to me suffering from developmental trauma later on in my life. The inability to communicate about what is happening to us as a younger child has a significant impact on the way our brain will develop. Later on in my life, I struggled with communicating and avoided talking about issues which was not healthy and which led to depression and wanting to end my life on a few occasions.
On the subject of relationships, your book ‘Victim to Victor’ goes into detail about the abuse that you suffered as a child and how this then triggered bouts of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) later on in life. Can you give us a little insight into the recognisable symptoms of your PTSD?
The memory of what my abusers had done were always in my thoughts. My sense of self was damaged, and I had tried to shut myself down emotionally in an attempt to survive. I acted impulsively and recklessly with drugs and alcohol, which caused my family to be alarmed by my behaviour. There were a few occasions where I had overdosed and found myself unconscious and in casualty. There were also a few occasions where I was about to jump off buildings to end my life. My symptoms of PTSD were severe.
Can you tell our readers a little more about how you saw your trauma manifest itself into your relationships? How easy was this to detect and how did you recognise these patterns to be trauma related?
I went from relationship to relationship. A few of them seemed fulfilling, but only for a short time. Most of my relationships had caused me significant distress, and my trauma count increased until I couldn’t make the right decisions or be happy. It usually wasn’t long before I could read between the lines and discover what my partners were really like. To my circle of friends, I showed them that I also had someone in my life. I looked toward these relationships to give me the feeling of security that was lacking in my life.
You mentioned to me that at a certain period of time your identity and self-worth were at their lowest point and you went through a series of suicide attempts. A staggering rising number of women (and men) from all communities are reaching these lows at a rapid rate. You being here on the other side of that and being able to tell your story and help others is a complete blessing, I value this chance to interview you greatly, knowing you have come out at the other end. What advice do you have for anyone that is currently experiencing suicidal thoughts, was there anything you thought, said or did that changed the flow of energy and brought you back to light again?
Looking back during those times when I wanted to jump off the buildings, overdose on drugs and run out onto the highway, I was in a dark place and too stuck in my own head. My friends saved my life as they were the ones who dragged me off that balcony one time when I wanted to jump off. Those dark times were drug and alcohol-induced which I used to numb my pain. I wish I knew about gratitude back then as you cannot be fearful and grateful at the same time. I would advise anybody in a similar place as I was, to avoid using drugs and alcohol and to practice gratitude. Appreciate all that you have rather than to keep thinking about the things which you do not have. Seek help if your symptoms are severe. Help doesn’t have to be a medical professional, it could be that positive and friendly face — somebody to make you smile and laugh. Communicate with somebody, just don’t keep those feelings pent up inside of you as this is what will make the sadness even worse.
You are now healthy, happy and just as wonderful as you were always destined to be! The power was always within you and now you have found it and unleashed it! You are now a Reiki Master and Emotional Freedom Therapist, tell us a little more about what this entails and why you chose this path?
I have my therapist Marie to thank for my journey of healing as she guided me along this beautiful holistic way of life where I gained my Reiki Masters and became an EFT therapist. I continued my studies further to learn more about hypnotherapy and yoga. Energy healing activates the body’s energy systems to remove blocks that cause emotional or physical problems. Energy healing enables the body’s energy systems to cure, and once the body has broken through these energy blocks, the body’s ability to heal itself is stimulated. I would advise energy healing to anybody who is suffering from trauma and looking for a way out of their darkness.
Your book Victim 2 Victor is now out and available on Amazon — congratulations! What a journey and what a result, I am sure your story will help many other women and men in similar circumstances. As an author you have used your own personal experiences and journey to wellness to create something very special for your readers. What made you choose to tell your story in this way and what can people expect from the book?
My book started off as a personal journal which I used throughout my healing journey and I had already written 20,000 words before I decided to keep writing. I then wrote further about my healing which then turned my memoir into a valuable guide for others. The book is about not only my own personal journey but for others to reflect upon their own lives and on how the various therapies and healing’s could benefit them.
Reports suggest that here in England, 7.5% of adults have suffered from sexual assault as children, and while we are definitely heading in the right direction in terms of promoting the importance of communication and mental health in the UK, Asian communities are very much lagging behind. Abuse and assault are still considered to be something that must be swept under the rug and never spoken about”
Victim 2 Victor is an inspirational real life story that examines the path from trauma to triumph, through a life lived without apology. There is warmth behind the passion and mistakes. This candid and honest memoir presents the hidden meanings behind the tragic events that have shaped a beautiful and resilient life. It is aimed at readers who may have suffered abuse in a similar way, and for those who want to embark on a healthy path to healing.
Get YOUR copy of Victim 2 Victor today on Amazon here
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Interview by Crystal Emmanuel
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